


Marvelous, Awful, Terrible, and Divine

by AnaliseGrey



Series: Along the Way [11]
Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Caleb Widogast Angst, Caleb Widogast's Backstory, Caleb's conflicting goals, Internal Conflict, Introspection, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-02
Updated: 2019-05-02
Packaged: 2020-02-15 22:45:10
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,171
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18678847
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnaliseGrey/pseuds/AnaliseGrey
Summary: He doesn't mean for it to happen.





	Marvelous, Awful, Terrible, and Divine

He doesn’t mean for it to happen.

He’s been intent for so long on his goal, honing in with singular focus that he hasn’t had room for anything else. He barely has room for _himself_ , let alone anything or anyone else. The goal is all- nothing else matters. Not the world, not himself- _nothing_.

The only reason he survives long enough to figure out his barest scrap of a plan in the first place is because he isn’t aware enough at first to do anything _other_ than survive. By the time he’s become more of a person the idea’s formed, and there he is, alive despite himself. He doesn’t intend to become friends with Nott, comes up with a fake name to feed her as with everyone he’s met since he awoke in the asylum, figures once they escape that will be the end of it. Instead, she becomes the first crack in his armor.

The Mighty Nein worm their way in, even before they _are_ the Mighty Nein, forcing those cracks wider. He stalwartly refuses to think about it, shoring up the holes as much as possible with prickly behavior while wading deeper into his research, into his study; he can’t let them close, can’t let them in. He’s weak, and he knows it, knows that if he lets them in, if they knew, if they _saw_ , it would change their feelings toward him, and rightly so. At the core of things he knows he has only himself, and as poor a reassurance as that is, it’s what he has, what he can count on. He has his goal, and if he tries- if he works hard and struggles and sacrifices and risks enough- he can get there. In time he’ll get what he wants; that’s what matters.

That’s _all_ that matters.

Until it’s not.

He doesn’t mean for it to happen; the last thing on his mind is willing vulnerability. He’s been vulnerable before. He’d thought he was in love, once. He’d been so sure, but then he was sure of a lot of things then that he knows now weren’t right or true. What’s one more thing on the stack?

He’s been fighting it, railing against letting others in, against letting anyone close, trying to keep a careful distance.

It wasn’t supposed to happen, _none_ of it was, but as with so many things in his life, it happens when he least expects it, and the irritatingly loud colorful tattooed tiefling barges his way into Caleb’s life with a lilting voice and a carnival flier. Caleb doesn’t expect their little group to hold together, but it does. These people- these insane, mad, amazing people- they grow on him, _Molly_ grows on him, until one day it hits him like lightning.

He loves Molly.

It’s snuck up on him, seemingly out of nowhere, but if he throws his memory back, looks closely, he can see it happen, slowly, like a glacier melting or a flower blooming, like a river changing course. Conversations and brief touches, considering looks and soft smiles. It happens slowly but he realizes all at once, and it’s both one of the best and worst realizations he’s ever had. Love isn’t supposed to hurt, an ache under his ribs he can’t escape. He doesn’t know as much about love as some, but of _that_ he’s reasonably certain. It shouldn’t hurt, but it does, because he knows what he must do, what he’s _promised_ himself he would do.

And he doesn’t know how that happens without losing Molly, without losing it all.

What he feels for Molly is so different, so much _more_ , it’s categories of description above what he’s felt before, exponentially more powerful, like comparing a fireball to a flint spark. There’s barely a comparison. They’re made of the same elemental stuff, but so different as to be near unrecognizable to each other.

He loves Molly and he _burns_ with it, blazes, feels it immolating him from the inside out and Caleb doesn’t know how he survives it. He doesn’t know how he doesn’t scald Molly when they touch, Caleb’s fingertips reverent and gentle on Molly’s skin, tracing the lines of inked feathers in as close to an act of worship as Caleb thinks he’ll ever get.

Then he remembers he has a job to do, a goal to accomplish, and it takes the warmth and light that fills him and _twists_ it, freezes it until there’s nothing but cold and void and the taste of ash. He doesn’t let Molly know, _can’t_ let him know.

Instead, he slips a smile in place. He lies. He’s good at lying when he has to be, has lots of practice. He lies; to Molly, yes, and it _wounds_ him to lie to Molly, the man who has his heart, such that a person like him can _have_ a heart. The best lies have an edge of truth, and so when he tells Molly he loves him, whispers endearments, he means it. When he presses the words into Molly’s skin with his lips, with his hands, he _means_ it, more than he ever thought he would. More than he ever thought he _could_.

He lies to himself. He tells himself this will be fine. That it will work out. That there’s a way for him to have everything, if he just tries hard enough- if he’s clever enough, does the right research, finds the right book, the right artifact. He tells himself that even if _he_ doesn’t deserve happiness- and gods above know he doesn’t- that Molly _does_. While he’ll do anything to achieve his goal, he’d also do anything to have Molly be happy, and he starts to come to a second realization.

For all the first realization hit him like a flash of lightning, the second arrives much more quietly, with a lot less fanfare.

The lies to himself become harder to believe, more difficult to maintain. Caleb’s never considered himself an especially strong man, and the constant strain of balancing the responsibility to his parents, what he owes them, and the weight of his devotion to Molly start to bear him down. He can’t carry both, not indefinitely; eventually something will give, and he’s not honestly sure which it will be. He doesn’t want to have to choose.

He knows he’ll have to.

But not yet. He can’t choose yet. As previously stated, he’s weak, so while he knows he doesn’t deserve this, doesn’t deserve Molly, he grasps at him with both hands for as long as he can. Wonderful Molly who loves so freely and easily and always wants to think the best of people, wants to think the best of _Caleb,_ even when he should know better. Caleb holds on and doesn’t let go even when he knows he should, even when he knows it will save them both pain later on.

He holds on; it’s all he can bring himself to do, putting off the inevitable.

 

 

 

And then one day, Molly vanishes.

 

**Author's Note:**

> To be continued with Songbird, posting to begin on May 18th, 2019.
> 
>  
> 
> Want to yell at me, ask a question, or just say hi? Come find me on tumblr at [Analisegrey](http://analisegrey.tumblr.com/) or on twitter at the same handle!


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